Tales from the Restaurant

Tales from the Restaurant
Where you'll find all the restaurant dirt you'll ever need.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Bread and Butter is the Demise of a Dinner

I hate bringing people rolls. Most restaurants have a free appetizer that they bring out automatically, and rolls happen to be the one I retrieve/hate the most. You might go to a restaurant and get a hunk of bread and a bowl of olive oil, or you might get some other kind of bread with some other kind of oily whatsit. But I hate them all.

The reasons for this are as follows;

-Rolls are free
You can immediately tell when someone is freeloading by uniquely identifying if they are the evil purveyors of 'rolldom.' When an old woman says;

You are immediately sure of one of two things;

Option A: She's a freeloading crone who doesn't want to eat the cheapest thing on the menu without feeling like she got the best value for her meal. How does she do this? By calling out repeatedly for the one thing she doesn't have to pay for.

Option B: She enjoys the added security of having a hot breaded centerpiece on her table that she's not going to end up actually eating.

Another reason I hate when people ask for more rolls is because about 60% of the time, nobody actually ends up eating them. By the time the second plate of rolls comes around, dinner has actually arrived, and suddenly rolls are no longer at the center of their universe. Just their table.

On top of that, I'm usually doing things that actually matter when five of my idiot tables bother me for more rolls. I'll be bringing someone a glass of wine or carrying someone's dinner out, and five people are getting angry at me along my way because I forgot to bring them something they aren't there to eat.

News flash; I didn't forget to bring you more rolls. There are a bunch of new tables that just sat down who are waiting for their own first plate of rolls. Inevitably they are also going to probably want more, but for right now, their need is greater than yours. I usually have a moment of intense calm when someone gets all indignant about me 'forgetting' to bring them more free bread. It is usually me convincing myself NOT to stroll right over and break my foot off in their left nostril.

People's insatiable need to stock up on free shit truly bothers me in the context of dining out. When I go out to eat, I'm there for the cuisine, the atmosphere, the service, the libations, and the company of friends. I'm not there to bitch someone out about bringing me free snacks. One helping of rolls or bread is perfectly fine, but when you're hollering for three plates of them in lieu of an actual appetizer, that's when you become a total cock-breathed dingleberry.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Tounge slips vs realizing when restaurant life is taking over your life

In every restaurant, there's an individual routine that everyone falls completely into. After a while, cooks will make the same plate the exact same way each time. Hosts will develop a pattern for seating guests. Managers will address problems with similar quotes and mannerisms. In most cases, waiters will use the same expressions, because speaking (and doing it convincingly well) is such an important necessity.

This however, can not only make a waiter look like a total idiot, but can become his undoing.

It starts simply enough.

The idea that you've said something incorrect seemingly out of autonomy has the power to immediately undermine your credibility. It can also happen in more dire circumstances;

Other similar situations may occur, such as your server asking you on Valentine's Day what brings you and your date out to a restaurant for dinner, or saying 'thank you' when nobody actually offered a compliment.

It's all part of the daily fray when you're seeing ten to twenty parties a shift. Sometimes the wrong line slips out and you instantly look like a dumbass. Be kind to your servers!