Tales from the Restaurant

Tales from the Restaurant
Where you'll find all the restaurant dirt you'll ever need.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Restaurant; Home of the Homoerotic

In all of the restaurants I have worked, I have been constantly challenged to come up with newer, fresher ways of demonstrating a talent which no restaurant employee can complete a shift without;

Homoerotic actions and commentary.

For some reason, the restaurant environment is invariably the one place where it is not only acceptable, but encouraged by your peers to engage in these delightful same-sex behaviors;
-Pretend to come on to fellow males
-Proclaim loudly any and all made-up homosexual actions with other employees the night before
-Grab a coworker's nipples
-Craft clever analogies between menu items and fellatio
-Offer to trade evenings or day shifts off in exchange for depraved and humiliating sexual advances

It isn't uncommon for someone like me to approach a male coworker and say something like, "Hey man. Can you pick up my Friday night shift? I'll totally give you the best testicle massage ever. Please?"

The exact reason why this is acceptable isn't exactly clear, but the unspoken rule above all rules is that none of these actions can take place in front of the guests or restaurant management.

One exception to this rule comes to mind, in reference to the last restaurant I worked for. It had gotten to the point (after over a year of employment) that my managers and fellow employees had become so comfortable with me that each of them made passes at me at every conceivable opportunity. I distinctly remember bending over and attempting to scoop ice cream out of the freezer bin, and getting seven different people's hands grabbing my ass as they each went by (completely independent of each other, I might add).

The management of this particular restaurant didn't mind this at all. I remember that the last time it happened, the old Chinese lady who was running the restaurant had even laughed heartily as a coworker grabbed a huge chunk of my ass.

None of it is serious, however. If everyone at the restaurant were not only bold enough but also homosexually lustful, I would have probably been helpless as I held onto the red bean ice cream for dear life while seven different people violated my asshole.

It really is a bizarre anomaly that every restaurant ever is its own unique stadium for the world cup of gay, but a fact nonetheless.

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